This started out as an email, but turned into
something more in the process of writing... I guess I have a lot
I wish I was one of those people who could master
words right now. I think of things to post, my reaction, and it
all comes out 'blah' in the end.
Work is having a gathering this morning in memorial
of the event. (Is anyone else running out of words to use here?
'disaster', 'attack'.) I've work all black twice this week just
because it happened to be what I was wearing, so I realized as
I was getting dressed that it would be inappropriate today not
I was also afraid to go to the gathering at
all this morning, considering ways to "hide" and avoid
it, which I knew would look incredibly insensitive, when in reality
it was the opposite. I didn't trust myself emotionally around
a lot of people I don't know that well yet.
After the fact now though, I was okay and there
were tears around me. It helps to see other people react as well,
other than carefully prepared speeches and statements. I'm planning
to go to the memorial at the Seattle Center this weekend. I'll
have to look up the details, but I read that people are bringing
cut flowers to fill the international fountain. It works so well
symbolically, I think, being the International fountain.
Hopefully I will be bringing people, but I'll still go alone if
After the gathering, Karla asked in conversation
if I have a religion. I gave her the official answer, which is
Undecided, but when I decide I'm sure it'll be some sort of Pagan.
Actually I know a bit more than that so undecided probably isn't
the right term anymore (possibly Deciding), but I don't have a
name. I don't want to be arrogant and associate myself
unintentionally because of some ideas i have knowing nothing really
Anyway, I believe in personal goddesses, and
I admit I mostly stole that idea. Suddenly I realized that this
has the answer for one of the big questions of Christianity, the
"Why does God let bad things happen?" I see the goddess,
still unnamed for me, as a guide and role model (part of why I
prefer a female deity), but not as all-powerful. I imagine she
is grieving with the rest of us.
I heard the quote (though from far back so I
can't be absolutely sure), "We'll never be normal again."
I disagree here. The human race is amazingly resilient. I am sort
of interested to see how things return to usual one small step
at a time, when the TV will be put away at work... when another
news story will dominate. I can't see that happening for a long
time with all the aftermath to come. If we get through this without
anything else horrible happening, i will be surprised. I wanted
to say 'happily
surprised' but every time I hear some sort of 'happy' news I then
want to cry because that could be considered happy in the situation
- another survivor found out of thousands?
Andrew said something beautiful Wednesday, which
I told him he must write down somewhere. He told me he saw a shooting
star while walking up to my house, so he wished that this would
all end peacefully.
People gather around the TV at work, which has
been sitting out since Tuesday. I like the people here. In fact
I feel somewhat distant for not letting myself be emotional with
them, but this isn't my place. I will buy flowers for the fountain.
Last night I had to give up on a huge portion of my email and
mass delete one list. It seems like they will take anything and
turn it into something to argue over, and in this case they were
talking about what actual people who were about to die should
and shouldn't have done. It was almost unhuman. I couldn't handle
Really couldn't handle that. I didn't think
I'd even fall asleep for a long time.
Izzy offered to come over after work for hugs
and to tuck me in. I have to always remember I have wonderfully
amazing friends. I ended up telling him I was going to bed and
would leave the door unlocked. And he did come over and be comforting
while I was mostly asleep, then tucked me in with the stuffed
leopard I had just bought at Toys r Us. It's supposed to be a
gift but I can use something cuddly right now.
I put a candle outside with the others on my
block when I got home, hours after 7:00 which the email going
around said. Inside I lit my goddess candle.
I've been in extreme-cuddly mood this week,
sort of recovering from Bad Things last week that are best not
mentioned. Sunday at the Vogue brought me back up and to keep
myself there.. Monday I stopped by Jeremy's after my belly dancing
class, watching him and Andrew finish their game. Tuesday I took
advantage of my spot at the end of Izzy's bed. Wednesday is usual
Vogue night, Thursday I should be happy for the break, and Friday
is David and Michaela's house cooling party. Saturday I should
see Selina. Between all the things he wants to or has to do, I've
known better than to expect to see Andrew at all Saturday.
And that's where things get....
I've known it's getting close to one year since
we met. I was going to figure out that date and let him know with
plenty of warning that I want to do something that day. Sappy
girl thing, so be it. Date was sooner than I expected, and, it's
I guess this is just another one of those big
signs that I'm not supposed to get so attached....
Michael made me crave Thai food tonight. I was
already thinking I would have to go out (little grocery store,
or big grocery store) because there was no food in the kitchen,
but once we stared talking about Thai, I knew exactly what I had
to have. So, even though I'm on an unemployed budget, and shouldn't
have been going out again, I picked up pad see ew from Broadway
and ate at Izzy's, while he subjected me to weird music videos.
I had a happy cat moment on the way, though
it really makes me miss my baby cat. I ran into Einstein's identical
twin next to a bus stop, black cat, exactly the same size. Einstein
(Q-boy)'s a pretty normal sized cat, though a bit thicker, muscular
with a bit of extra fat to be a happy indoor-outdoor Maine kitty.
I held out my hand and the cat came over and rubbed on me without
even asking who I was first.
I want to go back and take that cat home now.
I know I write amazing things in my dreams.
I'm sorry to lose them, because they might not make sense in real
life, but I know they were at least real words. I am not limited
to myself when I write poetry in my sleep, because my subconscious
is writing for all the parts.
Waiting to get off the bus, I read a poem about
leaving to go east. Go east? I never considered that it was possible.
If you worship the sun, you rise in the east and set in the west.
I was on the bus reading about web usability
when Scruffy-Looking Man sitting behind me leans over the seat
and asks, "How many months are you?"
My mind is still on webbiness. Months? Months
on the web? It made me think of asking a child their age, but
if the answer is in months, they'd be too young to answer. "Months?"
I ask, confused.
"Oh, you're not pregnant, sweetheart?"
I think he called me sweetheart. I'm thinking I'll never wear
this purple dress again while he says something about his psychic
powers being off. He says something a about a little girl, while
I'm trying to get back to reading, but really wondering how I
could've looked pregnant to him with my lap covered by my backpack
and a book.
Unless I forgot about an alien abduction in
the last couple days, he is definitely wrong.
A few seconds later he leans back over, "Are
you in school?"
I get this question a lot. "No." I'm
not wanting this to end in a conversation, so I leave off the
"I graduated two years ago." that I always feel required
to add. (I think it translates to, "Yes I look young, but
I've already been through college, by going to a two year art
A bit later he's given up on me and wakes up
a guy across the isle to compare 8-ball key chains.