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The 'wanting to run from the building screaming' feeling has been replaced with a 'want to bang my head against a wall repeatedly' feeling. It would have to be more interesting than doing absolutely nothing. I'm dreading my job, which is bad. I'm wanting a vacation, which is bad, as I can't really afford the week I took off being sick... nevermind that I called (emailed) in 'sick' yesterday as well... umm.... ... feeling slightly guilty? yes worth it? yes (besides if they can't find me something to keep me occupied beyond making a couple changes and waiting hours to 1. get back on the network 2. be given content 3. have Big Important Things installed on my computer, why should I worry about it?) 4.11.00 4.7.00 mmmm..... dragon boots..... 4.5.00 My squeaky five-year-old-sounding (cuz i'm sick) voice and I went home from work after an hour today. I'm taking tomorrow off as well, and hopefully they'll have work for me Thursday. I think I'm needing the recovery time for more than just being sick. I've even flirted with the idea of not going out Sunday night again -- just a turn of the head and a quick smile, then walking off knowing that I had no intention of persuing that idea. My 'movie' has started to come back to me. I found another song that brings back the feeling and lets me see it perfectly in my mind. I see myself right there, right there on the edge of my bed, sitting accross Steel's lap when I made the first acknowledgement of the feeling, asking him if he ever gets the feeling that his life is a movie. And he tells me, yes, all the time, "it's just a part of being in the Seattle club scene." This is important. 4.4.00 I stayed home sick today. What, you don't beleive i'm sick? *coughcough* There, see? stillno? Well listen to how I sound then, my voice always gets messed up when i'm sick. I managed to convince myself that I'm not sick though, for almost the entire weekend, good or bad, until my body finally stopped me and disagreed. And a lot of stuff happened over this weekend, which i could write about - but not now. I have other writing to do, which is going slow. This is why I originally started my web journal, and learned to take my writing in any form that it will come out into -- web, email, chat with friend even. I seem to write better to an audience -- I need the reaction. But now, I have personal writing to catch up on, things I need to say to myeslf before I decide what to tell the rest of the world. So first I need to establish my writing enviroment. It's not going to be the computer -- it's quick but it's flat and non-textured. I have my new journal from Paper Haus, with the brown leather cover and the translucent pages (mmm... vellumish.) I pushed myself past the thoughts of 'what if what I write isn't worthy of this book?' I made a special trip downtown to Seattle Art Supply for those micron drawing pens which I tend to destroy because I like to write with the microfine ones. I bought a size 02 this time, specifically for writing (specifically for writing in my vellumish Paper Haus journal.) Oh, and a piece of black canson paper... and a sketchbook... I couldn't resist. And now? Time and space is my best guess. 4.3.00
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